Thursday, August 02, 2007

Where I am right now

Last year in September I went on a trip to Philadelphia to meet other women who are waiting to be mothers of little girls from China. This group of women were in a word incredible. We have created friendships and a bond that has continued to grow over the last year. None of us thought at that time that we would still be waiting for our daughters to come home but, here we are still waiting. The wait has been hard at times for all of us and we have always been there to cheer each other up when we are down. This adoption journey has been long and often times frustrating but it has also been wonderful and enriching in so many ways. I have been fortunate enough to meet not only these great moms but others who have become good friends. Riz and I feel very blessed to have met each and every person that has come into our lives because of the "Wait".
This time of the month it is always hard for those of us still waiting. The feelings of happiness for those in front of us are tremendous. The emotion we feel for the children who are getting families is indescribable. The frustration that the wait is continuing to grow is hard to swallow for many. Today a friend (Stephe, one of the Philly Moms) wrote a post to our Jan. DTC group that touched my heart. Although I am not a single Mom and Riz and I do plan on adopting a sibling for Sophia from China, We don't know what the future holds for us. Stephe's post captured exactly how I
have been feeling the last few months. Her post was amazing to me because I felt like she was typing the thoughts in my head. If you have not looked at Stephe's blog please go take a look. She is fantastic and her blog is full of wonderful, fun and useful information. Thank you Stephe for capturing my feelings exactly. I look forward to the day Sophia and Giorgia are home and building a friendship.

With permission, Here is Stephe's Post

My Confession
Can I tell you all... (confession)
Since deciding to adopt, I've figured a lot of things out about myself both good and bad. I've wasted too many years of my life by not realizing my dream sooner.
I've wasted too much money on stupid stuff that doesn't matter.
I've wasted too much time thinking there would be lots of time.
I've wasted too much time procrastinating.
I have learned that there is nothing more in the world that I want than my daughter.
I have learned that I can really, really save money when I need to.
I have learned I will still occasionally spend money on stupid stuff (just not as much)
I have learned I will still procrastinate (just not as much)
Here's the big part of the confession...(I also have to preface and say that I can't wait to be a mom but...)
I also LOVE the WAIT. I know some of you are thinking I'm horrible but it's true. I am LOVING every minute planning for to her arrival, shopping for little clothes, organizing all her stuff, working on her nursery, dreaming of all the things we'll do, trying to figure out all the ways to get through the hard times we will surely have, meeting all of the great adoptive parents and creating this awesome circle of friends. My life before this was never as rich. Good, but not as rich.
I have first time mom anxiety. I KNOW I'll be a great mom. The closer I get to referral, the more I worry about not having enough money to lavish her every whim. Which I know is stupid because I can give her a great life and I'm very resourceful if I don't have the cash. (plus I don't want her to be too spoiled anyway) So, my brain tells me to knock it off. I'm sure some of you might know what I mean. I worry that that she will resent me for her being in daycare. Then I think...Have a prepared enough? do I have everything I need? did I do all of those things on my list that I really, really wanted to get done? (my downfall to my crazy list making) At 16 will she say she hates me and I'm not her real mother? (this will destroy me) Geez. I hate those days when these thoughts swirl around in my brain. On these WAITING days, I feel my dream slipping away. On the other days, all of these thoughts are in perspective and I am cool with anything life or my daughter throws at me. I'm strong and I can handle it.
So, I guess my only secret (which isn't a secret anymore) is that I LOVE the wait. (please don't hate me) Even when she's finally in my arms I will tell her what an amazing time I had waiting for her and that there is more to come. I will only be a mom to one and this will be the only time that I will be able to anticipate something so great! So, I'm cherishing this time and all of you.
Now, for those of you that are yelling at the computer for me to shut up, gagging, or throwing rotten fruit...I LOVE you too. (sincerely) Don't worry, I probably the ONLY person that would confess to this!
Okay, that's my confession. Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

Christine said...

I also enjoyed Stephe's comments about the wait. What would we do with out Yahoo Chat groups and blogs during this wait?! What did waiting Mom's do in the past???? :)