Emotions i never expected
Here we are Monday the day after Mothers Day and 11 days post referral. The last 11 days have been some of the happiest of our lives. Finally seeing our daughter for the first time was like no other feeling we have ever had. We were so happy to be able to share that with all of our friends and family. In the days that followed referral we were glowing from the joy we were feeling. Our dreams had come true, our prayers were answered. On Monday the 5th we found out just how much our prayers had been answered. We received our FedEx package from our agency with all of Sophia's information that I listed in the previous post. In the last 28 months we have said a prayer every night asking god to watch over our daughter and to keep her safe, well cared for, warm, feed and loved by whoever was caring for her. Monday we found out that Sophia has been in foster care nearly her whole life. This makes us so happy because we know that Sophia is interacting with a family. She is bonding to someone who is caring for her, all good things for her physical and emotional development. The emotions that we did not expect about this are empathy, guilt and sadness. Our hearts are sad that because Sophia has been chosen to be our child that she and her foster family will be experience a loss. Most times when a child is being referred for international adoption and they are in foster care they are removed from the foster family, sometimes at referral time and other times it is just days before being untitled with her new family. This is done to help the child brake that bond from the foster family and then bond to her forever family more easily. We are not sure if Sophia has been taken from her foster family yet and wont know until we are in China. I have sadness for my daughter and what she is about to loose. Her care giver, her surroundings, what is familiar to her, and ultimately her homeland. We know that it is a necessity for these things to happen for us to become a family but in someways we feel guilty about this. So what was unexpected for us was to feel the ultimate joy of becoming parents and sadness all at the same time.....
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10 comments:
I think your feelings of happiness tinged with sadness reflects your hearts as being loving, kind, considerate and true. Sophia's loss is real as is the love her Forever Family waits to give her. Each day. Each tomorrow. Forever and ever...
peace
fm
WOW! I appreciate the trueness of emotions you shared here. That is true love when you can overlook your happiness to feel your new daughters grief! You will be in my prayers.
You are so wise Susan, so educated, so ready to be the mom your daughter has longed for. Be prepared for her to grieve if she needs too. It is healthy and only makes your bond that much more precious. I read on a blog today of a woman who adopted an older child that she was surprised that her daughter was so sad - she was not prepared for it. So many changes for these little ones in such a small amount of time. But Sophia will love you just as you love her. I am so excited for you my friend!!!!
Wow, what a powerful post! I cried and cried because I know exactly the feelings you are talking about. This is a monumental event of both happiness and sadness, of great gains and great losses. But you are doing the right thing by letting yourself feel all of the feelings. By not ignoring them, you will grow in ways you have never experienced before. You will continue to experience complex emotions as you continue this journey. Welcome them, nurture them, and then they will find a nice little place to rest in your heart. We love you both "up to the sky" as my girls would say, and most of all we are proud of you!
Wendy, Kate & Claire
I know what you mean. Annslee lived with her foster family for 11 months and I remember the night before we met her praying for peace for her foster family as they spent their last night with her. I think in some ways it is harder than a child in an orphanage b/c they are so attached to this family but know that God is preparing their hearts and all will be well : )
Susan, I am feeling the very same way and when we got our updated pictures, there are two with a woman who may be their foster mom....they are not sure. She is definitely a caretaker. I can only guess what it will feel like to hand those beautiful babies over after almost 11 months in her care. Hopefully, we can find some way to thank them.
love you,
Susan
What a beautiful post! I think you should save this for Sophia to read someday...it will mean alot to her!! She's so lucky to have the two of you for parents!!
I've been thinking the same things this past week. Thank you for putting it in words. The poor little mite will go through such a loss but, for the rest of her life, will have amazing parents. Her foster family could not be her forever family but you guys will be. Since you understand what she'll be going through, you can help her through it. You guys are awesome!
Hugs and love .... Lori
I truly believe being the parent of an adopted child makes you think things through differently and prior to adopting my first child I truly believed nurture would rule of Nature! Now I know it doesn't and neither does my eternal gratitude to their birthfamily for my precious gifts! and never more so on mother's day!
I think when we talk openly about our feelings we all gain!
So thanks Susan those are very normal feelings!
So just remember to breathe!
Hugs from over the ocean!
Ruth in NZ
I am so glad that Sophia has been in foster care. Knowing that she has been well taken care of for most of her life is such a blessing. I understand your feelings of sadness for both Sophia and the foster family. I cannot even imagine having a child for 11 months and then giving her away. I'm sure that they will find some peace knowing that she is going to a loving family who wants a child. I will keep Sophia and her foster family in my prayers and all of the families and babies that have to go through this difficult transition and/or loss. Sophia is going to be so blessed to have you and Riz as her forever parents! And it goes without saying how blessed you are!
Love, Marcia
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